Video Cop-Out: A Seinfeld Moment

Elaine's pathetic attempt at dancing still cracks me up after all of these years! Relive the moment yourself right here on the latest Video Cop-out:

10 Fool-Proof Ways to Piss Off Your Customers

Lately, it feels like I've been plagued with the worst customer service (EVER!!) lately. And believe me, I'm not on a high horse here. Waiting tables, bartending, and pushing designer jeans--I once did it all as a starving student so I've had my share of nightmare customers. You know...the ones who seem to thrive on making your life a living hell during that brief time you spend together:



Scenario #1: Hell's Kitchen


MEANIE: It isn't like it's rocket science! I asked for a blue rare steak--


ME: Uh...sir, that is a blue rare steak...


MEANIE: It's COLD and OVER-COOKED!


ME: Well, the steak was just briefly seared on both sides so the the centre is supposed to be cool...

MEANIE: I want a new steak NOW!!!


ME: Sure, no problem. I'll have a new striploin for you in a few minutes.


MEANIE: MAKE SURE THEY DON'T SCREW-UP THIS TIME!



Scenario #2: Rodeo "Dive"


TEEN MEANIE: Hi, I wanna like..return this bikini.


ME: OK, was it defective?


TEEN MEANIE: Um...no...I just changed my mind.


ME: I'm really sorry but swim suits are a final sale unless the garment is defective. We even stamped your receipt when you bought it.


TEEN MEANIE: Why?


ME: Um...bikinis are like undergarments so our policy is because of sanitary reasons.


TEEN MEANIE: But I didn't even...like...wear it! I just wanna get my money back!


ME: Well, your receipt says that you bought the bikini over 3 months ago...and honestly...it looks like you did wear it. I'm sorry but it is still a final sale.


TEEN MEANIE: I wanna talk to your manager!


ME: I am the manager my dear...

I'm sure you get the idea, right?

What I did learn from working in both the retail and restaurant industries is that it's one big play and you're the star of the show. You swallow your pride because a) you're getting paid to do it and b) good tips are usually a huge incentive. Difficult customers may require you to use every ounce of willpower in your body to suck-it-up but most of the time, customers are usually pretty easy going so a good sense of humour and kindness go a long way. They are paying for the experience after all...

And now that I am on the other side of the equation, it feels like I've just been getting shafted. Rude and incompetent seem to be the first words that come to mind when describing my most recent customer service experiences. Seriously, I'm a damn good tipper and really laid-back so what gives?! If I'm dropping $100 for a nice dinner or for a pair of jeans I demand good service dammit! So instead of actually confronting these servers and retail workers who clearly detest their jobs, I've decided to exorcise my angst with the following list:

10 Fool-Proof Ways to Piss-off Your Customers

1. Don't smile and make sure to speak to your customers in a really RUDE tone.

2. Act like your customers just asked you to cut-off one of your limbs when all they really wanted was another Coke.

3. Make sure to trash-talk your "bitchiest" customers out loud in a fitting room filled with other customers.

4. When your customers have waited over half-an-hour for their food, make sure to completely abandon their table and don't refill any of their drinks.

5. Don't apologize when the food finally arrives cold and a customer is missing his meal because you forgot to punch in his order.

6. Rudely stare your customers down when they walk into your clothing store.

7. When a customer calmly confronts you about over-charging her $10 for a pair of jeans, make sure to a) rudely argue about it and, b) not to apologize when a calculator proves you wrong.

8. Make your customers wait at their table for nearly 15 minutes before you greet them or take their drink order.

9. Absolutely chat about your sex life with another employee within earshot of a customer.

10. Make sure your customers know how much you hate your job. This may entail: rolling your eyes when asked a question, telling them that you're sooo hungover when they ask how you are doing, and looking like you would rather be cleaning subway toilets than serving their table right now...

Video Cop-Out: Stephen Colbert on The O'Reilly Factor

Stephen Colbert cracks me up and his appearance on Bill O'Reilly's show is priceless! According to the Conservative commentator, The Colbert Report is a "very successful program that owes everything to me." Uh-huh...I suppose if you believe it, it's true Mr. O'Reilly...

Say what??

Crass but true....

Wait a minute...is this a flashback?

Way to kick someone when they're down, eh?

Video Cop-Out--George Carlin "Stuff" Routine

So I'll be back with a brand-spanking new post shortly. In the meantime, enjoy the hilarious George Carlin....

What Happens in Mexico, Stays in Mexico....until now

"C'mon, that didn't really happen, did it?"

"Seriously...for about 5 minutes, I thought we were all on our way to a seedy Mexican jail."

"Hey, look on the bright side. At least you guys lived to tell the story and can all laugh about it now!"

"Right, it was really freakin' funny...."

******

As the entire wedding party all hopped on their borrowed banana seat bikes, our sticky sweat-drenched bodies were a very obvious indication that we were all in desperate need of a dip in that inaugural cenote.

Our buddy, Tim, a first-class schmoozer, befriended two local business owners during a night of debauchery involving way too many shots of tequila and Dos Aquis to mention. In addition to his well-deserved hangover, Tim had announced that his new acquaintances had offered to take us all on a personal bike tour through the Mayan Jungle. As icing on the cake, we would hit every single cenote along the way to do some killer snorkeling.

Needless to say, we were all sold on Tim's proposition.

So our trek began at the northern tip of the Yucatan Peninsula, about three hours south of Cancun. We pedaled away from the sleepy coastal town and soon hit the bumpy gravel roads that wove through a dense rainforest of tropical dry and tropical wet semi-deciduous trees.

When we thought we couldn't possibly encounter any other humans deep within this jungle, our enthusiastic guides would bring us to the first of many remote beach enclaves in which hammocks were strung around a beautiful teak bar. With refreshingly stiff margaritas in hand, our eyes would wander from the waves calmly hitting the sand to the outdoor community of palapa huts lining the secluded beach.

It was paradise.

Once we had cooled-off, our guides cracked the whip and reminded us that we still had to experience the first cenote of the trip. So begrudgingly, we got our butts back on those bikes and lazily pedaled away.

After a sharp detour down a very steep and narrow path, we arrived at our first cenote. And it was absolutely breathtaking.

The clear, freshwater pool filled a nearly-symmetrical round crater, as a tall shale wall surrounded one side of the lagoon in which those ballsy enough (none from my party), could do some cliff-jumping if they so dared. Instead, we opted for the safer choice and all decided to partake in some marathon snorkeling as we pretended to be marine biologists and geologists for the day.

And so our day continued along at this carefree pace which consisted mainly of biking, swimming, snorkeling, and drinking. I know, life was tough....

As the tour drew to a close, a member of our exhausted entourage announced that he wanted to stop for a brief smoke break. Apparently, he couldn't smoke and bike at the same time. Since we were all teetering on heatstroke and total exhaustion, we all obliged.

So as our buddy went to light his cigarette, one of our guides began to spark a joint. He insisted that we all share his little party favour but for some reason, we all passed on the grass. After a full day of biking, swimming, and sipping margaritas, all I could think about was a cool shower and my comfy hotel bed.

Once our guide savoured the last hit of his doob, we all eagerly hopped on our bikes one last time and....

"ALTO AHI!!" A stern and authoratative voice called from the depths of the jungle.

We all simutaneously turned to one another with puzzled expressions that seemed to say--Who the fu** was that??

Suddenly, a small, Mexican man in a blue uniform emerged...seemingly out of nowhere. A very intimidating gun slung across one of his shoulders.

Right at that moment, I answered my own question. He was a Federali. Oh God, he probably smelled that jackass' pot and now we were all fu**ed!

Seeing the growing fear in all of our eyes, both of our guides calmly told us to: a) not to move, and b) not to utter a single word. They would do all the talking.

As we stood there in complete disbelief, all I could think about was a line I had read in a Lonely Planet about situtations such as this:

"Mexico has a no-tolerance policy for drug related offences and will not show Canadians or Americans any leniency if arrested under these circumstances. Neither Canadian nor American embassies are likely to intervene on their citizens' behalf if such offences are committed."

Great, we're all going to get thrown into a Mexican slammer--by some omnipresent police force--for a crime neither of us (Canadians) committed! To top it all off, this shit's going to go down exactly one day before my best friend's fabulous beach wedding...the soul reason we're all here in the first place!

And right when I thought I was on the verge of having a self-imposed heart attack, that enigmatic Federali officer ran right back into the bushes from where he came. It appeared as though some kind of deal was struck between him and our two guides, however, not a word was ever spoken about any of the details.

Once we finally got back into town, we thanked our two new friends for the exciting day, and promptly caught a cab back to our hotel.

The ride started off in complete silence until someone finally said, "Dude, did that really just happen?" Suddenly, we all broke out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter....

Hook, Line, and Sinker--The Keyword Game

Lately, I've been especially amused by how cyber folk have found their way to my blog. While I can expect most of my readers to find me with a little help from MyBlogLog, Blog Cave, or Blog Catalog, others have landed at Bamboo Blitz as a result of their Google search.

This is when things get really interesting.

So after scanning through the "referring URLs" of my most recent visitors, I started keeping a tally of some popular keyword searches that launched people to my site via a variety of search engines:


1. "Filipina Mail Order Brides"
2. "Filipinas desire American husbands"
3. "Filipino lolitas"
4. "finding a Filipino wife"
5. "blow-up sex doll"

Do you notice a bit of a pattern here?

Obviously, the funny thing is that my site is the antithesis of the above subject matter. While I'm ectstatic when anyone decides to spend time at my blog, it makes me bust a gut when I think about these avid wife shoppers (or doll humpers) accidentally stumbling upon these posts: "Hello Dolly! Lifeless Lolitas Leap into Japan’s Dating Scene," "The Global Price of Sex," and "Buying a Filipina Wife: Voices of Mail-Order Brides in Canada," which all provide stark commentaries on the global sex trade and the mail order bride industry.

Surprise!

PART 2: What's the Real News? --The Rich and the Scandalous VS. The Rest of the Universe

MAY 2007

As a videotape of a completely hammered Hasselhoff is leaked to Extra,

and Lindsay Lohan gets BUSTED on a DUI charge,

President George Dubya vetoes the Iraq withdrawal bill claiming that setting such a deadline would be like "setting a date for failure" in Iraq (BBC News),

Nicolas Sarkozy is elected as the new president of France and vows to smooth over relations with his American counterparts (the CBC),

and a 114 people die as a Kenyan Airways jet tragically crashes in Cameroon (BBC News).

JUNE 2007

As this Hilton heiress only serves 3 days of her 45-day sentence in the slammer for a probation violation on a previous DUI arrest,

and "The Canadian Crippler," Chris Benoit, sadly kills himself along with his wife and 7 year-old son,

at least 79 people are killed in massive mudslides that hit Chittagong, Bangladesh (BBC News),

Hamas proclaim victory over Gaza as they seize key Fatah infrastructure such as the Preventative Security building and the intelligence service headquarters (BBC News),

and to much criticism and dismay of AIDS activists, G8 leaders pledge $60 billion to fight AIDS, malaria, and TB in Africa (North County Times).

JULY 2007


While yet another young and skinny celebrity gets sentenced to do some soft time for a DUI offense,

and David Beckham makes his very high-profile debut with the LA Galaxy






over 100 people are killed and 250 more are injured in a Northern Iraq car bombing in which 2 tons of explosives are detonated at an outdoor market (BBC News),

Red Mosque in Islamabad, Pakistan, is the scene of a deadly confrontation between Pakistani security forces and a fundamentalist students group in which 100 people are killed following a raid led by the Musharref's security fighters (New York Times),

and 200 people die as TAM Airlines Airbus 320 attempts to land in heavy rain and skids into a deadly crash at Sao Paolo's Congonghas Airport.

AUGUST 2007

While tabloid journalists clamour to get the latest photo-op of a very troubled Owen Wilson,

and this trainwreck couple finally check their butts into rehab in the U-S-of-A,

the Interstate-35W highway bridge collapses into the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, resulting in 13 deaths and injuring 100 more (CBC News, Hometown Source,)

and India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, and Nepal are hit with the worst floods to hit these regions in living memory as 20 million people are displaced, while hundreds of thousands more have lost their homes, possessions, and livelihoods in the aftermath of a devastating monsoon season (BBC News).

By the end of this month, the death count reaches approximately 720,000 people succumbing to AIDS in Africa in 2007.

A 2007 Recap: What's the Real News? --The Rich and the Scandalous VS. The Rest of the Universe (PART 1 of 3)

JANUARY 2007

As celebrity gossips everywhere jump at the chance to let the world know about Miss Lohan's latest stint in rehab,



and JT's infamous split from Cameron Diaz...

...50 people died in a mudslide in southern Brazil a few weeks earlier (ReliefWeb),

while nearly 50 more lives are lost as a string of deadly, hurricane-like storms hit northern Europe (BBC News).

Meanwhile, approximately 186,000 Africans die of AIDS during this first month of 2007.

FEBRUARY 2007

While Anna Nicole Smith mysteriously dies in her Miami hotel room, so marking the beginning of the Dannielynn-paternity-scandal,






the ridiculously dysfunctional Houston-Brown marriage finally comes to an end,






and Britney loses both her hair and her sanity...

...340,000 people are left homeless in Indonesia as Jakarta is submerged in a devastating flood (ReliefWeb),




Austrian authorities uncover a huge global child porn ring, in which over 2300 suspects are involved from 77 countries (International Herald Tribune),




and 40 people are killed as a suicide bomber attacks Mustansiriya University in Baghdad (New York Times).

MARCH 2007

As Snoop D-O-double-G gets denied a British visa to perform in the UK,

Bradgelina welcome Pax into their lives,

and Mr. Spears receives his million dollar divorce settlement...

...global tensions flare as an Iranian naval fleet seizes 15 British marines who allegedly entered the country's territorial waters illegally; however, a "national embarrassment" occurs after some of the marines sell their stories to the media following their release (icWhales.co.uk),

Northern Ireland's rival sectarian parties announce a breakthrough power-sharing agreement between the Protestant Democratic Unionist Party and the Catholic Sinn Fein (the CBC),

and crazed gunmen seize a bus carrying 32 preschoolers and 2 teachers in Manila (BBC News).

So far, nearly 600,000 Africans died of AIDS in 2007.

APRIL 2008

While Prince William and Kate Middleton bite the dust,

Dannielynn goes home with her real daddy--the 15 minutes of fame fiend, Larry Birkhead,

and Boy George is arrested on false imprisonment and assault charges for handcuffing a male escort to a bed and sexually assaulting him...

...32 people, including both students and faculty, are senselessly killed in cold blood at Virginia Tech before the gunman takes his own life (the CBC),

a tsunami sweeps through the Solomon Islands, destroying over 900 homes, leaving 500o homeless, and killing nearly 30 people (Guardian Unlimited),

and 140 civilians killed in a car bombing at Sadriya market in Baghdad (Iraqi Body Count).

**Please stay tuned for PART 2 of the 2007 recap.**